You’ve read and heard a lot about how to boost your child’s self-esteem with regular praise. Surely they even made separate notes on what phrases should be said daily so that the child grows up happy and confident. But all efforts will be in vain if you continue to make mistakes and use the toxic phrases discussed in this article.
What is adequate self-esteem in a child
This is how he knows how to evaluate himself, his capabilities and actions. Adequate self-esteem is an indicator on which the success of a young person in school, communication with friends, peers, teachers and parents depends. Children with adequate self-esteem are characterized by sociability, activity, resourcefulness, sense of humor, cheerfulness, desire to make contact.
Guys with low self-esteem are often passive and touchy, try not to participate in games, not to try new activities, as they are afraid to be worse than others. And if they do, they will lose.
If self-esteem is high, the child tends to be better than others in everything. He often behaves aggressively with those children who also claim leadership. From such a child you can often hear: “I was the first to find, invented, said”, “I am smarter, more beautiful, stronger than you”. You must listen to me.”
How the self-esteem of the child is formed
The development of the child and the formation of his self-esteem can be divided into preschool and school periods. Before school, it is formed under the influence of parents, namely from their reaction to his actions. During this period, the child interacts little with peers and is not quite aware of what is doing well and what is not.
In elementary school, a young person receives feedback from classmates and teachers, compares himself with others, and his self-esteem is already based on experience and becomes more adequate. It is at this time that the foundation for assessing yourself and your activities is laid. Therefore, it is of great importance how a primary school teacher behaves with students: praises and motivates or, conversely, criticizes.
5 Parent Mistakes That Destroy Your Child’s Self-Esteem
Insecure adults live in constant tension and suffer from depression, because they endlessly seek approval and try to prove something to others, losing strength, energy and themselves in an incomprehensible race. All this is the result of the wrong upbringing in childhood: encouraging competition and high expectations from parents.
Here are 5 examples under which circumstances a child’s self-esteem is imperceptibly destroyed:
1. When we don't trust a child
We do for him what he is capable of doing for himself. For example, we put on a five-year-old, wash dishes for him, sharpen pencils, because it is faster and more reliable. At these moments, children evaluate their abilities and form an opinion about themselves.
Insuring our child at every step, we imperceptibly deprive him of self-confidence and solid ground under his feet. Therefore, it is better to let him have more opportunities for independent actions that will allow him to try his hand at different situations and believe that he can cope on his own.
2. When we inadvertently let the child know that we are not good enough
The right road to low self-esteem is to characterize a child based on the fact that he did something wrong. For example, broke a cup, tore his pants, or didn’t share toys with other children. We use offensive phrases and labels to show that the child is not good enough for us.
3. When we are not paying enough attention to success
Of course, misconduct is more noticeable than washing dishes on time or a good assessment in the diary. But when we focus daily on the mistakes and do not notice the positive little things, the child’s self-esteem flies down at the speed of a plate hitting the table.
4. When we are afraid of ruining our self-esteem with punishment or reprimand
Against the background of the above, there is another extreme: to deprive the child of responsibility for his actions. For example, a child took a large banknote and cut a star from it. A caring mother, of course, will be upset, but she will decide to herself: “You think, a person tried, engaged in creativity, do not punish him now for this.” It is not necessary to punish, but it is necessary to explain what can and cannot be done.
5. When we demand too much
For example, after a week of classes, we want the child to speak English, learn to swim, dance or draw. There’s nothing wrong with desire, unless it’s backed up by comparisons with other kids who’ve been doing the same amount of time but have achieved more. Because in such situations, children consider themselves incapable and worthless, stating: “I will not do this, anyway there is no use for me.”
7 Phrases That Break Your Child’s Self-Esteem
A child is born with a certain character, but his self-esteem, and therefore fate, is mainly formed by the words and actions of the parents. A special role is played by expressions that are fixed in the mind of a small person and then determine his actions in adulthood. Here are some of the most destructive ones:
"What a stupid one."
Feelings of the child at this moment: “I didn’t want to disappoint you...” or: “I thought I was smart, but now I realize I’m stupid...”
"You're not going to succeed or fail."
The child’s feelings at this moment: “If you do not believe in me, then I will definitely not succeed and I am not capable of anything...”
"What a horror!"
The child's feelings at that moment: "Why horror if I was just playing." I came up with this game. This is creativity. Or, “If I disappoint you, I won’t try anything new again.” To be wrong is a terrible thing.
“I’ll do it myself, it will be faster.”
The child's feelings at this moment: "I'm very slow..." I have no use for it. There's something wrong with me... Because of me, parents are late, where they need to go.
"Nothing good will come out of you."
The child’s feelings at that moment: “I believed in myself.” But if you say that, I will change my mind about myself. I don’t want to quarrel with you, I will do as you say, I will make sure that your words become my reality and nothing good comes out of me!
“What is the habit of saying / walking / eating?” ?
The child's feelings at this point: "What am I doing wrong?" Or, "What's wrong with that?" Or, “So I have to be just like everyone else.”
"Stop it now."
The child’s feelings at that moment: “What did I do?” I just need a little attention... Or, "You're screaming and I'm scared." Or, "I didn't mean to..."
Simple tips on how to boost a child’s self-esteem
Praise at every step is not an option either. First you need to understand the causes of low self-esteem, and then take action. In fact, there are two main ways:
- Increase the level of abilities so that the child’s self-esteem is based on experience;
- Reduce his requirements.
For this:
- Be patient. The older the child, the more effort will have to be made.
- Develop his strengths. Here it is important to emphasize that the child learns to do better what he is good at. It’s not necessarily about language or math. It could be the ability to swim or paint. Knowing that you are on top in your business, it is easier to endure life's difficulties.
- Let's be free to choose. Your opinion should not be imposed, nor in the choice of food, toys, clothes. Give your child time to decide what he wants. This is about the right to your own opinion, not about permissiveness.
- Develop independence.We talked about overprotection in the block about the mistakes of parents. Therefore, allow your child to “stuff his bumps” and draw conclusions, as long as it does not threaten his health and safety.
Read also: 8 Simple Tips for Raising an Independent Child
- Do not compare your child to other children.. Comparison must be made only between the past and the present. For example: 3 months ago, you didn’t know a word of English, and now you can write simple sentences yourself. Well done, you did it!
- Praise me well. Celebrate even small achievements – it is very supportive and instills confidence.
- Teach you to say no.. Children from childhood can defend personal boundaries.
Often notice the good in the child and teach him to notice the good around, remember the beautiful moments of life. A positive attitude to the world will help the child grow emotionally healthy and happy, as well as act on life based on their own desires and needs, and not in order to prove something to someone.
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